A naked man covered in Vaseline was caught running through a mall this afternoon. The man was screaming profanities and how Elizabeth Warren was going to tax him to death. It took police 45 minutes to catch the man. The mall is closed for the rest of the day, but the memories will last forever. The man was nearly impossible to catch. Since he was covered in Vaseline, he was able to slip out of the hands of the officers with ease and slide under their legs on his belly like a greased-up pig. After the close encounter with the police, the man ran into a national women’s clothing store. “I wasn’t sure what was going on,” a cashier at the national women’s clothing store said. “He jumped right up on the counter and took a fresh dump right inside of the cash register. The fresh dump smelled like the time my degenerate brother put roadkill in the microwave for 30 minutes as an April Fool’s joke.”
Am I the only one who wants to see the security camera footage?
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